Baby names are something like the lottery, you either hit the jackpot or you come away defeated, with an endless stream of people taunting you for your loss. When it comes to names, we have only our parents to thank – if you’re lucky. But say you were given a rather obscure name, you know the kind, the one no teacher could ever pronounce right or that sets barista’s foreheads into a cold sweat when it comes to scrawling such a thing on the coffee cup, then life becomes a bit more challenging. We can’t all be blessed with a name that rolls off the tongue, but we can only hope that should we procreate, we are much kinder to our offspring and stick with one-syllable names that are strong and easy to pronounce.
But if you thought you had it tough, just got a load of some of these names. After a reddit user by the name of u/Kubanochoerus asked nurses and midwives to share the baby names they tried to talk parents out of, suddenly our own names don’t seem that bad. A scroll through this reddit forum only has you asking just what is wrong with humanity.
As one user shared, “My classmate’s mother was a maternity nurse, and she once had a couple who wanted to name their son ‘Collin,’ but wanted to give him a unique spelling. So they chose to spell it C-O-L-O-N. They tried to name their son Colon – as in, the organ attached to your anus.”
Wow. It gets better though.
WeaselBit commented, “My boss’s friend named their kid ‘Monster Galileo.’ The nurse tried to talk them out of it, but they insisted. The kid goes by ‘Galileo.’ Honestly I kind of like the sound of it for an adult or a performer’s name, but being a kid named ‘Monster’ has to be rough in school.”
Another wrote, “I have a false leg, and the midwife had to talk my parents out of naming me ‘Peggy.’”
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Bigpsych5150 wrote in with this gem: “As a med student, I had a patient who wanted to name her child ‘Mudpiles.’ The nurses silently protested and waited a few days. Mum eventually changed her mind.”
Another commented, “My ex-husband didn’t think it was fair that girls could be named ‘Grace’ or ‘Hope,’ and he seriously suggested ‘Pestilence,’ ‘War,’ or ‘Plague.’ And his choice for a girl was ‘Tangerine.’ Fortunately, we never had any children.”
Another reddit user said: “I tried to tell someone not to name their kid ‘Tarmac’. They’d recently learned the word from NASCAR.”
Our favourite? “I had a coworker named Trina, and when she was pregnant, she told me that she and her husband decided to name their baby ‘Latrine’. I had to explain to her that she was naming her poor baby after the hole in the ground that soldiers shit into! She was horrified, and changed it to ‘Katrina’. Then, two days after the kid was born, Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans.”
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